It been a little bit doomy and gloomy today. I went for a nice long walk in the sun and treated myself to lunch. The problem is the long walk had me questioning lots of things.
Oh well at least I have the boys to occupy me. Funny thing is that the only time this weekend I've been at peace is when building Lego with Nathan.
Just a short one today. Still need to reconnect with my hobbies, just not feeling it
I've always used vs in my blog titles and that is because everything I've written about has been a battle. Some trivial - like reading a certain number of books in a year and some more serious - like raising children in the right way. This, however is the first time I've put a 2 in the post. It is still a battle but what scares me is the thought of not stopping at 2. What if I get to 22 or 102.
Everyone around me is telling me to take it easy and look after yourself. These two (there's that number again) things seem very difficult when you spend your whole life putting yourself at the back of the queue, which is how this whole debacle started and having such a chaotic life (doctors words) that you mistake taking a break as boredom or restlessness. I just don't relax. My life right now runs on adrenaline. The problem is I'm spent.
A third question is how does one recover from depression or anxiety when most of the time you feel great because you have removed yourself from the pressure situations . How do you prepare yourself for returning to that, to go over the top, to jump from the frying pan into the fire?
These are the questions infesting my mind while many others are just thinking about what to have for tea or how they are going to occupy the kids at the weekend.
As with every battle I have to believe I can win but not just for me but the people around me (theres that need to put others first again).
Love you all
This being mental health awareness week I thought it poignant that I share my own struggles. You never think it will happen to you, affect you that it is someone else's problem.
Last year I came to realise that something was wrong but I was unwilling to share my burden. Maybe if no one knew I could pretend that it didn't exist. Surely that would make it easier. It didn't. Pure and simple. I opened up. People didn't judge me but when I was offered more help I was in a better place and refused it.
I didnt need it. I was fixed... or so I thought. Over the last 12 months things have gone downhill. It was affecting every aspect of my life now and affecting those around me. I was unsure of the triggers but felt broken. A shell of my former self and embarrassed to admit I needed serious help. However I Have now found help in the unlikeliest of places.
Told I need to share how I'm feeling, I decided to start blogging about my recovery and share how I'm feeling each day.
Today is my first day off work, I left last night asking my replacement to fix the wrongs I'd done this year and when I woke up I felt raw, a failure that I'd let it get this far. I know I have to change my mentality and I hope doing this will help. I hope my journey will help others seek help. I know I'm not alone even if at times it feels that way.
Until my next random collection of thoughts I'll sign off
